i am suffocating with all these thoughts in my mind .
i just read through th diary that i've been writing on since he've left .
and somehow , somewhat i just felt that pain .

i asked jaslyn baby this yst ,
" do i deserve this ? "
and this was what she said .
maybe you do , because this is th path that you've chosen .
maybe shes right ,
i deserve to go through all these since im th one who chose to believe in all that you've said .
i am th one who didnt want to let go .
i am th one who believed in you for nearly a year .
it will be our one year anni if we didnt end , in 5 days time .
but i guess to you you've already forgotten everything .

people have been asking me why i've chosen to wait .
and all i replied was ,
" because he's th first man i've ever believed in so much , because i still believe in his " baby trust me , all this will be over soon " but yet , i somehow disbelief th words that i believed in so much . i've been questioning myself almost everyday , will he ever be back to me ? did he even meant it ? "

people have been telling me , that this man that i was waiting for aint worth th wait .
yet yea , th stubborn old me just refused to kneel in .
all i wanted was simple happiness yet its like i am deprived of it .
i dont even have th simple right to send those iloveyous and imissyou like how i used to .
i didnt choose to wait to torture myself , yet cause i know you're worth th wait .
even if you will not be back , but its what i chose to .
because i believe in you .
i used to be th one controlling your emotions with every word i said .
but now you are th one controlling my emotions with everything that you do / said .
Lets say its an exchange .
but i didnt choose to wait to see all that you're doing .
i couldnt say anything however more i wished to .
In your heart i know that i dont stand a place .
yet i dont know whats keeping me from letting you go as a memory .
i thought it was enough to see you happy .
initially it was .
but now , i wanted more .
is it right to want more ? or is it wrong ?
i want nothing else but you to return to me someday .
yet somehow i know you will , and somehow i know you wont .
i cringe at th thought of having another r/s probing into my life .
but is it due to th hurts that you left , or is it because i wanted you only .

you once said this to me , " girl , elwin told me this , is she th one you want and is she th one you need ? yes you want her , but do you need her ? "
and you told me you took days to think about it .
yea , days . so im not th one you naturally need .
even thou , your answer to it was th answer i wished to hear .
boy , you're th one i want and th one i need . even till now .
you told me to let nature takes its course .
but i guess i hadnt said this to you before .
i hated it when you always told me this ,
because you're making me unsure of th promise you once set upon me .

x.ming asked me , " you yourself know that promise are meant to be broken , you yourself aint even sure if he will ever come back to you . what if he doesnt ? how many have you hurt aft he had left , you go think . why dont you give another person a chance , one who loves you . instead of one who dont cares and th one who you cares about ? girls treat promises as eternity , but you must know that not all guys do what they said . "

i thought upon this through th night yesterday , if your promise are meant to be broken , then i would only have myself to blame . i know you've urged me not to wait for you anym , but sad to say , i didnt have a choice . its not that i didnt try accepting another guy after you , but its just that i cant . its me , an obstacle i have yet to conquer . yea , we girls treat those promises as an eternity , godly thing , and thats why i've kept on to th promise to believe in your words always .

you once told me that " girl time will prove everything , my love to you ."
and so here i am waiting for time to prove , even when you least wanted it .

i remember this , " one day i will marry you , baby you cant run anym . "
i still remember how you sort of proposed to me and said you will do a more formally one , with 27 big roses , 12 small roses and 08 tiny roses .
and till now , i believe that this day will ever come true .
you used to say you'll plan a big 18th birthday party for me ,
you'll turn my house into a sakae shop remember ?
because i loved sushi so much .
although all these seems to not be happening anym , but still all i can do is to wait for time to prove everything .

i once asked you this , " baby if you dont make do your words , and till th times come to th point when i say i do , then what ? i have to worry whether you mean it anot , is this what a wifey will ask for ? "
and you this idiot made me repeat it 2 times before you finally understood what i was talking about .
and you promised to make do your words from that time onwards ,
thus i believed in you .

somehow i believed , yet somehow you're showing me not to believe .
its not that i didnt want to forget , but i cant .
i've tried . yes i did temporary , but still i cant permanantly.
you still came back into my mind after months .

this is what siying told me ,
" so how's your life these days ? whats your decision ? got any new guys ? "
and this was what i said ,
" i've chose to wait for him , isit good or bad ? "
he said ,
omg , you wna be ah hai again .

yea , maybe this is what i chose , to escape from what my friends have been telling me .
to escape and live in my comfort zone .
am i just escaping ? or do i really believe in you ?
contradicting huh ?

boon kiang told me this when i was crying badly yesterday ,
" true love is rare . "
" its very rare . "

yea i know its rare . but i just dont understand , why do people want to endeavour into something new when there's this old thing waiting for them like an idiot for months , years and so .
yet all they want is someone new , and they just cant see what th old ones are doing for them .
yea , you cant see what i've done for you .
because you dont understand th pain .

i make sense dont i ?
and yea , i know you dont even know yourself whether these promises that i believed in will ever come true anot , am i not right ?

* anw , sist virus is like a contagious virus la .
she got it from nicholas ,
then she passed it to dad ,
and then me ,
then jiajun and jia huay ,
then jaslyn baby .
and its like th fever keeps coming on and off .
z . still feeling damn unwell .